Friday, April 12, 2013

Looking Back...

I often write about things that are going on that bother me. Things I see in the news and life that I cannot understand, so looking at those events I poor my brain out here in hopes of somehow finding a sense of peace...

Looking back to my younger years and the trials I faced as I grew. I cannot think of too many things that held more true than when I was told not to wish I were older... I always heard that I would get there before I knew it and then I will wish I were young again.

I wanted out of my life when I was younger... I wanted out so much that suicide felt to be the only way I could escape! Tried that, and failed... more than once. 

Looking back at my wishes to be out and on my own, I see now how stupid that want was. Sure wanting out of a bad situation is natural! How many think that the people on the Titanic wanted to stay on board? They wanted to see the aquatic wildlife up close and personal... Point being is that no one wants to stay on a ship that is sinking. 

As I have grown, I have taken on different understandings of life and priorities. All I can say on that is that there is no amount of issues in my childhood that would equal the pain, stress, and sheer exhaustion of what my wife and I face everyday.

Hind sight is 20/20... I understand that but disagree. Sure you see what you did and can see what you would rather have chosen after the call, but how do you know? 

Lets say you come to a pivotal decision in your life. You have 3 options to choose from. You chose #2, and after having lived with it, you cannot rewind your time and make that call for #1 or #3. IF and I stress IF you could rewind your life, you would also erase your mind to that time and in doing such you have forfeited what would then become knowledge of the future. Who is to say that you would not make the same choice again? 

There is no certainty in life other than you will never be great at it... I am very well versed in that!

All I know is that life is not now, nor will it ever be at all predictable. 

Not one bit. 

Too many things in adult life that make no sense regardless how you analyze the wreckage... There will always be that situation where you scratch your head and say: If only....

Well, guess what? You did not and now the IF ONLY is off the table! Clean up the shit that just hit the fan and figure out how to clean up the collateral damage form the grenade you pulled the pin on...

This posting was inspired by my undying love and admiration for my children... With that said too many times in my life and theirs where I failed to make the "right" call, and yet somehow they still find it possible to love me. While being a parent is filled with decisions, not one person alive or dead will ever make the right call every time... 

Nothing in our adult lives is perfect... not too many things in life are either... 

The most priceless rewards, the most beautiful of treasures for me however is to see my daughter smile, hear my son laugh, and then to feel my wife's warm and loving embrace... While there is nothing in creation that is perfect... those 3 things are as close as I will ever have. 


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