Tuesday, June 26, 2012

The Pain None Should Feel...

For anyone reading this, please have patience and follow through… I hope you will see the point I am trying to convey.

I have been a lot of places, and seen a fair share. I have broken and crushed my bones. I have been dealt 9 or so concussions. I have undergone multiple surgeries. Lets not forget a voluntary trip to the funny farm. I have endured beatings and pain that I would never wish on any one person. Right now, I am waiting and trying to prepare to the best of my ability to be ready for the most painful endeavor of my life, the loss of a son.

When I was in high school, long before I had a family of my own, I interviewed a funeral director for school. I was to interview someone in a profession I was interested or curious in. Having the morbid interests and outlook I had even then, I chose that one. I asked this man many questions. Out of all of them that I asked him, the one that actually brought this man, this director of 38 years at that point, he cried. Much to my surprise, he wept at my inquiry. The question still burning in my brain:

“Every day you make a living off of death. Is there something in life that has made you so numb to death? Does anyone you see come through ever bother you?”

“Yes, death is a fact of life. I see an older person come through, I am happy for them! They have made that final transition. When I see younger people come through here, it tears me apart! They did not have time to do anything experience life. When I see children come through, I have a very difficult time. Even after almost 4 decades, I see a baby or child… to this day I still need to walk away! I cannot help that. I am human, and that is by far the most heart wrenching thing in this world I can possibly imagine.”

Many years have passed, and now I am almost 20 years older and many things including priorities and outlooks have changed. I have fathered 3 children. My first daughter who I have not seen in almost a decade, my 2nd daughter who I do my best to relate to however find myself falling short almost every step of the way. Thirdly, would be our son. He was all kinds of messed up during his birth. Now, we are forced to wait and watch him suffer day in and day out.

We know that the complications that have risen and the more that are still bubbling to the surface are more than anyone should ever face. He is 8mo.’s and counting. The doctors told us he would not live 24 hours. Almost 1 year later, he has suffered as have we. This little man has felt death and pain that most of us could never understand. As he has gotten older, he has moments where he smiles and laughs. He reacts to stupid faces I make, his laughter is a truly priceless reward. He has moments that are so maddening that no medicine can soothe.

My wife and I still searching for hopes and praying to hear that all will be well! Willing to do anything to ensure that he wakes up one day and the light switch in his brain just happens to flip the other direction… Sadly, nothing of that nature will ever materialize. Most unfortunately we will never be able to go to a pee wee football game, never will we be able to go to a T-ball game and cheer him on even as he ran to the wrong bases… No… instead my wife and I are stuck waiting for the pain to finally hit. We are sitting here making him as comfortable as we can. We do all that is possible to see he is as happy as humanly possible. I tickle him as often as I can while he is still able to smile.

No one should EVER feel the pain of burying their own child. It is against the flow of nature. You are born, you grow up, you have children, you die, they live on, and they have children of their own who buries them. NO ONE should ever bury their own child.

This is a pain I would never pass to another for any reason or cause…
This is a pain that I cannot describe…
This is a pain I would give anything to make go away…

The most painful thing about our current stigma... my wife and I took every single precaution to prevent anything like this happening. The most maddening aspect is, he is damaged due to the lack of actions from others, the over abundance of stupidity and negligence. Not one of our many measures to ensure his life actually mattered. 

I hate human error.

No comments:

Post a Comment