For anyone reading this, please have patience and follow
through… I hope you will see the point I am trying to convey.
I have been a lot of places, and seen a fair share. I have
broken and crushed my bones. I have been dealt 9 or so concussions. I have undergone multiple surgeries. Lets not forget a voluntary trip to the funny farm. I have endured beatings and pain that I would
never wish on any one person. Right now, I am waiting and trying to prepare to
the best of my ability to be ready for the most painful endeavor of my life, the
loss of a son.
When I was in high school, long before I had a family of my
own, I interviewed a funeral director for school. I was to interview someone in
a profession I was interested or curious in. Having the morbid interests and
outlook I had even then, I chose that one. I asked this man many questions. Out
of all of them that I asked him, the one that actually brought this man, this
director of 38 years at that point, he cried. Much to my surprise, he wept at
my inquiry. The question still burning in my brain:
“Every day you make a living off of death. Is there
something in life that has made you so numb to death? Does anyone you see come
through ever bother you?”
“Yes, death is a fact of life. I see an older person come
through, I am happy for them! They have made that final transition. When I see
younger people come through here, it tears me apart! They did not have time to
do anything experience life. When I see children come through, I have a very
difficult time. Even after almost 4 decades, I see a baby or child… to this day
I still need to walk away! I cannot help that. I am human, and that is by far
the most heart wrenching thing in this world I can possibly imagine.”
Many years have passed, and now I am almost 20 years older
and many things including priorities and outlooks have changed. I have fathered
3 children. My first daughter who I have not seen in almost a decade, my 2nd
daughter who I do my best to relate to however find myself falling short almost
every step of the way. Thirdly, would be our son. He was all kinds of messed up
during his birth. Now, we are forced to wait and watch him suffer day in and
day out.
We know that the complications that have risen and the more
that are still bubbling to the surface are more than anyone should ever face.
He is 8mo.’s and counting. The doctors told us he would not live 24 hours.
Almost 1 year later, he has suffered as have we. This little man has felt death
and pain that most of us could never understand. As he has gotten older, he has moments where he
smiles and laughs. He reacts to stupid faces I make, his laughter is a truly priceless reward. He has moments that are so maddening that no medicine can
soothe.
My wife and I still searching for hopes and praying to hear
that all will be well! Willing to do anything to ensure that he wakes up one
day and the light switch in his brain just happens to flip the other direction… Sadly, nothing
of that nature will ever materialize. Most unfortunately we will never be able
to go to a pee wee football game, never will we be able to go to a T-ball game
and cheer him on even as he ran to the wrong bases… No… instead my wife and I
are stuck waiting for the pain to finally hit. We are sitting here making him as
comfortable as we can. We do all that is possible to see he is as happy as humanly possible. I tickle him as often as I can while he is still able to smile.
This is a pain I would never pass to another for any reason
or cause…
This is a pain that I cannot describe…
This is a pain I would give anything to make go away…
The most painful thing about our current stigma... my wife and I took every single precaution to prevent anything like this happening. The most maddening aspect is, he is damaged due to the lack of actions from others, the over abundance of stupidity and negligence. Not one of our many measures to ensure his life actually mattered.
I hate human error.
